Tuesday, June 14, 2011

moving forward.

it's june now.
i like to remind myself what month we are in as it gets difficult to keep up, sometimes.
darn that Time, moving so fast on me. i suppose it's a good thing. pushes me to move forward,
to keep walking.
i don't like to get stuck. or to "feel" stuck, which i suppose is different.

it is officially summer, and these are the days i have been dreaming of.
the songs i want to write, the music i want to create, the getaway trips, and the picnics under the sun. the adventures i never expected, and the surprises i secretly wished for all along.

to me, this season is one for daring. it is one for stepping out and doing.
"go do." my motto these days. and for the future days, too.
a discipline i am learning. to think of something, and doing it.
i think i can call myself a "time waster." that'd be fair.
i wait a lot,
which isn't always the best thing.
i wait for "that moment,"
when "that moment" has always been before me -
waiting for me. (ironic, no?)

i see so much gold ahead of me - a future i don't deserve.
i'm frightened a little. i know it will be uncomfortable, and new. i know it will be different - many times. i know there will be sacrifices and decisions to make i've never done before.
i know there will be days when i will look at myself and not recognize.

and i know that i will have no home.

i've been thinking about home a lot lately.
what is it? where is it? a place? a feeling? a person?
i'm facing the reality that i have no country or city i can truly call 'home.'
and i'm realizing that where i invest my heart is what feels more like home to me.
this has no structure. or building. or land. it's not something you can see with your own eyes.
it's just...what i love. who i love.

it's difficult to look at my heart in the eyes, though. at least tonight.
i can see what it desires. something and someone. i can see where it wants to be.
i'm just not there yet.
i'm not home.

and what scares me the most is the wait. how much longer can i be away from home?
from where i want to be...

how much longer...

summer, you will be one of changes. i just hope they will bring me joy.
i can trust You God. yes.

- melody.