Saturday, November 5, 2011

growing, and growing.

there's still much life within me today - november 4, 2011.
the months have been busy, and you can say that this is good.
but i miss typing out my thoughts on a screen, and reading them again afterward,
i find that helps me to understand better.

how are you? whoever you may be.
you've been walking along my side in this journey of my life for quite some time now, and
it would only be expected that i update you on what is in my heart and mind these days.

second school year has had its ups and downs so far.
a lot of questions, and discouragement, and "this sucks".
and with that came encouragement.
so you can imagine the war within; the light and the heavy fighting for their place.

it's been especially hard when there is music on my mind, too. so much gold is growing out of that soil.
our band has grown, and the songs are coming to life, and the words are maturing.
and the road already looks so very exciting that i cannot imagine what will come next.
the beautiful thing, though, is even in the midst of school projects and drafts, there is time.
time for the music creation. time for the brainstorming. time for the songwriting.
i'm so blessed for this. and in awe. God is faithful. God is good.

my friendships are deepening. and i know that "perfection" is not-so-existent among us humans,
but i really don't think the people in my life could be any more perfect.
we speak words of encouragement over ourselves, share new thoughts and ideas and beauty,
we offer refreshment to each other's spirits and rest for our tired souls.
it's really a beautiful process - this thing called community.

the months have been quick, but i feel many changes have taken place within me.
i'm growing, and learning, and learning, and growing.
my name, as silly as it sounds, is making more and more sense to me,
and in return, i'm understanding who i am.
even my writing style has evolved (or at least i believe so).
the days are changing, and there is joy in my heart.

not to mention, when you wake up in the morning, inside of love,
there is really nothing else to compare to it.

the holidays, i can smell them. and even though the cold has me cringing,
there is something about the cold, the wood fire smells, the hot chocolates, and the warm sweaters
that has you falling in love.
mmmm.

good night to you. and more to be written soon.
melody.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

my heart. Your heart.

you know what,
i wish i blogged each time i had something to say.
i know there have been a few things i've wanted to talk to you all about in the past few weeks,
but didn't get to open this page up until now.
this always leaves my posts missing something - ideas, thoughts, or revelations.

nonetheless, i have something to say tonight.

i'll start by saying this:
i miss God. 

the truth is:
we talk every day. we smile, we laugh.
he comforts me. he sits beside me. he listens to me.

but...
what is a relationship if you don't really know your lover's heart?

i'm selfish, greedy, needy, forgetful, unaware, and lazy.
all that seems to matter is my heart.
my worries.
my battles.

my desires.

i'm sorry.
i'm sorry, God.
i never bothered to ask how You were,
what Your heart is going through.
i didn't seem to care about the things You care for,
or the people.

if only i ask, then will i know what breaks You.
only then will i really understand You.

understand Love.

...i suppose this is a small letter to God - of apology.
you see, when it comes to our little (but precious) human hearts,
we'll do a lot to try to understand them, comfort them, question them,
feed into their desires.
and there is nothing wrong with that.

but when our hearts become the center of who we are; when our hearts are all that matter,
something is not right; we've gone off tracks.
we've missed the point.

there is something much greater than ourselves.
i must remind myself of this - every single day.
there is something beyond the "me" and the "you."

i have forgotten about the "we."
if i know Love, i must live like Him.
and care more about the hearts around me than my own.
i must step out of myself, and choose Love over comfort.

i don't believe Love should be comfortable.
it should challenge every part of our being and thoughts.
it should take us to new places, and make us feel things we never felt before.
it should bring us to people we never thought we'd lay eyes on;
it should fight all apathy - and fears.
because in Love, there is no fear.

tonight, i want Love. all over again. from scratch. like i never knew what Love is.
i want to start fresh.
i want to die to myself.
and only come to life through Christ.
only.
only.
only.

God, teach me to see life like You do. teach me to Love like You do.


goodnight.
- melody.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

moving forward.

it's june now.
i like to remind myself what month we are in as it gets difficult to keep up, sometimes.
darn that Time, moving so fast on me. i suppose it's a good thing. pushes me to move forward,
to keep walking.
i don't like to get stuck. or to "feel" stuck, which i suppose is different.

it is officially summer, and these are the days i have been dreaming of.
the songs i want to write, the music i want to create, the getaway trips, and the picnics under the sun. the adventures i never expected, and the surprises i secretly wished for all along.

to me, this season is one for daring. it is one for stepping out and doing.
"go do." my motto these days. and for the future days, too.
a discipline i am learning. to think of something, and doing it.
i think i can call myself a "time waster." that'd be fair.
i wait a lot,
which isn't always the best thing.
i wait for "that moment,"
when "that moment" has always been before me -
waiting for me. (ironic, no?)

i see so much gold ahead of me - a future i don't deserve.
i'm frightened a little. i know it will be uncomfortable, and new. i know it will be different - many times. i know there will be sacrifices and decisions to make i've never done before.
i know there will be days when i will look at myself and not recognize.

and i know that i will have no home.

i've been thinking about home a lot lately.
what is it? where is it? a place? a feeling? a person?
i'm facing the reality that i have no country or city i can truly call 'home.'
and i'm realizing that where i invest my heart is what feels more like home to me.
this has no structure. or building. or land. it's not something you can see with your own eyes.
it's just...what i love. who i love.

it's difficult to look at my heart in the eyes, though. at least tonight.
i can see what it desires. something and someone. i can see where it wants to be.
i'm just not there yet.
i'm not home.

and what scares me the most is the wait. how much longer can i be away from home?
from where i want to be...

how much longer...

summer, you will be one of changes. i just hope they will bring me joy.
i can trust You God. yes.

- melody.

Friday, May 27, 2011

He speaks.

i was at a bible study last night, and the question was raised:
"how do i hear God? how do i know it's him?"

it had me thinking.
we all need direction. we all need to know that where we are going is "right."
we all need the confirmation that what we are doing is correct,
that our choice was the "right" one.

i believe it's in all of us to long for approval.
like a child always makes sure his father is smiling at him;
like a student always asks her teacher if her assignment is right.

right.
what is the right
way to hear God?
is there one?
or is God more creative than that...

i responded to his question like this:
talk to God like you would with a best friend,
or a wife,
or a husband.
envision him beside you, in front of you, there in the room with you.
give him a face, give him two eyes, and a smile.
imagine it to be a conversation over coffee, or in the kitchen or a sleepover.
you speak.
he listens.
you wait.
he responds.
and often we expect words we can hear,
or dreams.
but sometimes, he chooses to smile,
simply.
and tells you to wait.
because there are times when his responses are not understood
until it is time for them to be understood.
and so he waits
until he knows we are ready to hear them.
and in order to recognize his voice, we just have to speak to him...
often.
trusting he is always listening.
always caring.
always attentive.
and knowing he is in the room
with those eyes
and that smile.

and soon, his voice will have sound -
a sound you will love and recognize -
different from the voice of your own thoughts.

and there will be peace.
peace.
(make sure there is peace)

you will know you've heard him
when you smile back.

you will know it's him
when he speaks to you
in your own style.

like best friends would.


God is creative. not limited to something we may have called
"right"
or "wrong."

when he speaks,
we'll just
know.

be still,
and know
He
is
God.

if you are feeling distant from him,
or struggling to hear him,
be reminded that he always speaks,
but not always in words.

be encouraged.

melody.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

all is meaningless?

there are days - or maybe minutes - when things don't make much sense.
when life just seems like a ridiculous concept.
when what was clear is just blurry.
as if i went blind for a moment.

it's the strangest feeling.
to feel completely lost -
but only for an instant.

i don't like feeling like everything is meaningless.
it's like feeling Emptiness himself.

but what if it all were without meaning?
everything we strive for,
everything we desire,
every dream,
every tear,
every moment we're afraid,
and every moment we're in love.

what if in the end all that matters is one thing
and one thing only?

i carry many dreams with me
and sometimes, my heart becomes overwhelmed by them.

i wonder if we get too caught up with being important and making an impact
sometimes
that we forget to breathe.
that we forget that love is simple.
that we forget to be. and to give.
i forget.

even though He is complex, He is simple.
God is simple.

and we've made Him complicated.
well, at least i have.

i know that my life matters,
and you matter too.

but maybe the idea that there is more to life is not
to add more pressure
but rather relieve us.

because maybe the "more" in life
is simply the "less."

...melody.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

21.

it's that time of the year: looking-back-on-life-because-the-next-day-is-a-new-year-of-life-also-known-as-my-birthday time of the year.

i tend to become very nostalgic on the days before my birthday,
but tonight i am hopeful.

i am hopeful because what this new year of life will bring is beyond what i can imagine.
i am hopeful because i still have so much life to live.

what God has already done with me all these years i cannot even describe.
it is freedom, joy, peace, experiences, new friends.

it is love beyond what i thought it could be.

i have met so many people already - whether it be back home in switzerland, or florida, or montreal. or toronto. or anywhere else in the world.

i am beyond amazed by you who are a part of my life.
you inspire me.

i have learned so much so far, and cannot wait for what i will learn this new year.
there is so much ahead, and i can see it. i can see my dreams before me.

so as i enter into this 22nd year, having lived 21 years already, i'm overly excited for what is to come ahead.
and i thank you for taking part in my journey. you are wonderful beyond compare.
i love you all.

- melody.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

first year of university.

hello my dear friends,

i do apologize for the lack of posts.
the school year is almost complete, which means i will be posting more (hence why this post).

i have many thoughts to share with you tonight, and i hope these can spark conversation among you or create new thoughts for you to chew on.

i've definitely been learning a lot while being in art university for the first time.
the mindsets, the motives, the fears, the strengths, and the world of art.

i jumped into the unknown, and learned how to swim.
(trust me, it wasn't easy)

i was afraid to drown; i was afraid i would fade away from who i was meant to be
to become someone i was not.

i found myself comparing my works with the works of others.
i labeled the work i created "not good."

and it is then that i lost myself.
i lost sight of who i was created to be, what was within me, and why it was there.

it was like breathing the air of someone else,
and forgetting what i looked like.

my mind was full of questions and attacks,
telling me i was not good enough.
that the very core of who i was had nothing to offer.
that i was "not good."

and then He spoke.
and reminded me i'm important.
and reminded me i had purpose.
He told me that what is within me is from Him,
and therefore, it is "good."
He told me i am worth more than the stars,
and the creativity inside of me is gold.
He reminded me that the world needs me.
that there is a creativity beyond the ordinary inside of me,
and the world is in need of it.

and my soul was put to rest.
my mind slowed down.
my heart began to breathe.
again.

and this was only a few weeks ago.

i'm glad to say that i am beginning to feel alive (again).
or maybe, like Spring, i am simply being made new.

do not lose yourself amidst the copies of copies.
do not compare yourself, for what is within you is unique and important.
fight through the discouragement, and stand firm.
the world needs you.

i found myself...finding myself once again.
the months to come will be challenging, but exciting.

i will be posting more, and therefore my heart will be more visible for you all to see through.

thank you for reading.
goodnight.

- melody.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

heavy, and light.

it seems that every time i write here,
i feel a sense of purpose for my thoughts.

like there is a place and reason for what i think each day,
and i like that.

i like that what can't be seen still has a home.

i often wish i could show you my heart, looking exactly the way it should.
without words.

because words don't always truly describe everything a heart feels or what eyes see.

what my heart has felt the past weeks has been heavy - and light.
it has been fully alive days, and quite dead other times.
it has been smiling, and crying all at the same time.
it has been speaking, and sometimes i find it quiet.

i'm glad to say that my heart has life.
and i am sure many would be desperate for a heart full of it.

on a side note, let yourself feel, as it is what brings your heart to life.

the world is falling apart (but when is it not?), and i find myself overwhelmed.
but i am not to fear. you are not to fear.

"take heart! for i have overcome the world." - Jesus.

we're taken care of, if you choose to believe it.
i know it.

and because of it, my heart is at peace.
because of Him.

you know, i wish i could show you Him.
He's quite the most beautiful.

but that wouldn't be the same
as you showing me Him - the way you see Him.

i often see Him as a lion.
he just sits beside me,
and we smile.

and those become the best moments of the day.

and he tells me i'm worth it.
and he tells me he's proud.

that's my Jesus.
one who loves.
always.

and when i see the world around me,
all i want to do is show it Love -
Him, Love.

i believe it's simply what we were made for.
for Love.
to love.

so, even if i find myself at university,
working a job,
hanging out with friends,
talking with my dad...

...i am to love.
and that is my purpose.

not graphic design, not changing the world, not writing,
but to love.

and whatever that may look like this year,
i will go after it.

i know there is much in store for 2011.
and for you too.

don't give up on the pursuit,
you will not be disappointed.


that is all for tonight,
good night friends.

- melody

ps. i will write soon about my beautiful conversations with my beautiful friends. they're worth being written about.

Friday, February 4, 2011

hello, 2011.

my fellow readers,
i apologize for making this so delayed.
i would like to have good reasons,
but they would only be excuses.

alas, here i am.
it is a new year. 2011.
and too many things can already be said about it.

but i will try to mention the ones that matter.

firstly,
just the way the year began amazes me. it was good.
more than good, actually.

secondly, the opportunities for music making are becoming more and more exciting.
stay tuned for what is to come.

i believe this year is a year for new things.
it is a time for the old to pass, and for the new to arise.
a time for fresh dreams
to come to life.

but also, this year will be challenging.
at least for the heart.
as it already has shown to be.

my heart feels heavy and sad, tonight.
there is so much that i am feeling,
and i find myself not knowing what to do with it all.

i know i must face what is inside,
but i'm afraid.
i'm afraid that it will be too much.

there is so much longing,
desire,
disappointments, fears, and questions.

i constantly find myself afraid to lose
the ones i pour my heart into.

only because it has happened before.

and i know these expectations are false beliefs,
but i just can't help them sometimes.

i have allowed my heart to partner itself with another,
in the past,
and it left me broken.

i fight these thoughts,
telling me it will happen again.

and it is hard.

but the truth remains.
love always perseveres, love is always hopeful, love never fails.

i know that i am worthy of holding onto.

so, this year, i focus on being taught what Love is all over again,
by Love Himself.

love from scratch.

i want to know it right,
so i can know how to love you,
right.

much is ahead.

- melody.