Monday, July 26, 2010

"don't forget to dream"

i'm having a moment that my heart has truly been crying out for - for quite some time now.

there will always be things, thoughts, passions that are going to bring your heart to life.
whether through tears, dreams, day-dreams, or an undeniable pull - something will bring you to life. and in that moment, you will feel like everything is possible. like your biggest and craziest desires can and will come through.
and that, i believe, is the way we were intended to be - fully alive.

i grew up with big dreams. dreams of taking on the stage, dreams of becoming an inspiration, or dreams of bringing hope where all hope is lost. i want to be bigger than myself.
and the only one who can live through me, greater than me, is He. my wonderful rescuer.
...and i can't even grasp this truth, that these dreams of mine have always been His, and because they are His, they are truth. making these dreams tangible; real.
my dreams are real. ...
they are truth.
they are possible.
they can happen.
my dreams are real and possible.

...i can't grasp that. it's just bigger than me.
and it makes the journey all that more exciting!

tonight, i was watching a (super good) show and my heart re-awakened.
all my dreams, my visions, the words spoken to me, my inspirations, my desires, my passions came running full speed directly back to me. and i couldn't help but be overwhelmed.

it was one of those moments where it all made sense. where i could see beyond myself and be in awe of what my future days could look like. where my heart had a reason once again. a reason to be.
i don't want to lose this. i don't want to lose this perspective. this undeniable pull. this reason to be. i want to run after this with all of me. and break all the walls.
and the best part? it's already been prepared for me.

all i am to do is trust. walk with my hand in His and know that He is good. and that our hearts beat to the same rhythm. and that together, God and i - we will be okay. more than okay.
and we will change the world together.
and i will be alive.
alive, is where i want to be.
always.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." - Oscar Wilde.

don't forget to dream. and know that they can be real. if you allow them to be.
goodnight.

- melody.

Monday, July 19, 2010

desires, desires.


i'm living interesting days. days of hope, days of questions, days of dreams, days of fighting...

i'm finding myself split in half, where one part of me is fighting against the other.
...it's not a lovely place to be at...and i don't think that ever changes.
we're always going to find ourselves in battle with something or someone else.
and most of the time, that someone else is ourselves.

i am realizing how perserverence and courage are such key to this battle.
if i let myself go into patterns of apathy and slumber, i will only find myself in much greater frustration and dead-ends.
and this - this is not an option.
i have all these dreams - dreams of moving the world, dreams of creating paintings and clothing and explosions of color that will refresh minds, dreams of speaking to multitudes and out of His words through me, walls would break.
i have all these dreams, and yet, this fight within me is keeping me locked up.
and i have days i believe i will never come out.

...but of course, these are lies. and lies i don't follow.

but i won't deny it, it's hard. it's hard living each day pushing through your own thoughts and flesh to get to that place of satisfaction - to get to that place where you believe and know that something will come out of all this, something that will make you say, "Wow, this is what i've been waiting for all this time. This is my calling. This is my place."
after the visions, and dreams, and words, i cannot help but ask God "when?".

...it will come...it will come...

even through this battle between flesh and spirit, i am still able to find that place of peace and call out to my Daddy and say, as his precious little daughter, that 'Daddy - i trust You.'

we're also in this bittersweet place, the heart and i. a door closes and another opens, and i walk in. and i find my heart fragile and open. and i'm able to see what's inside.
inside are fears, doubts, more fears, hopes, joys, sadness, and desires.

and i lie in bed every night in desperation to give these up to the One who wants them all, because i cannot do it on my own. i really can't. my heart is not strong enough...
i am desiring something i don't have answers to yet. i am desiring something out of reach.
like the nights i reach out for the stars and am unable to grab them.

...i am realizing how difficult it is to put into words what my heart feels, because what is before me is still unclear. and i desperately want to see - clearly see.
i have found fears of being alone, within me. fears of being rejected and left abandoned. fears of being wrong. and let down again.
i have decided to kick them out, and simply trust the peace i have also found within me. a peace greater than anything i have felt. a peace i recognize. a peace i call 'good'.

i wish i were able to see what the future looks like...but because i cannot, i will simply live hand in hand with the One who knows, trusting that he is guiding me where i should be, day by day.

...i'm still trying to understand what is being created...
...but that will all bloom in its right time...

i'm just amazed by what is before me...
and sometimes find myself wondering what i did to deserve this.

i just hope this is good fruit...

...i'm going to end this now, before my heart-spillage makes a mess...and before this turns into the chapter of a book. ha. goodnight fellow friends.

- melody.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

"because you have considered my life precious..."

i'm in a mood to write, as i have been reading over essays from high school.
sometimes, i find myself unable to recognize my own writing; i feel like i'm reading someone else's work.
it's a weird thing.

so, in my previous post, i wanted to mention something about seeing people in a different way, but i thought it'd be a much better plan if i left the topic for its own post.
...and its own post it has indeed!

i am attempting to go through the old testament in its entirety.
and to be honest, it's one of the most fun things to read.
so many adventures, miracles, inspirational examples, and passion.
it's most definitely refreshing and encouraging. (i recommend it)

lately, i've been reading the Samuels - Samuel, David, Saul, etc...
and David's story with Saul just blows my mind.

Saul is the king attempting to kill David.
David finds Saul in his sleep.
his opportunity to kill Saul and protect himself is right before him.
his men are ready to attack.

yet, David commands them not to.
and says these words, "don't destroy him! who can lay a hand on the Lord's anointed and be guiltless?..." (1 sam:9)
argh - this wrecks me all the time...
anointed?! David can still see Saul as an antointed man, even though he has disobeyed God and followed his own path - not to mention, hates David and wants to destroy him.
...that's most definitely strength.

reading this made me think.
we're so quick to point out the smallest faults in others; sometimes, we even wait for the fault to come out, just to say "HA, see!?"
i'm so guilty of this. ...but am working on it! greatly working on it.
David not only did this once, but twice.
and both times, let Saul go.

there's something about seeing people in such a "golden" way...
there's something about seeing the "anointed" in a thief. in a robber. in a murderer.
there's something about seeing the "anointed" in our friends and family.
there's something about seeing the "precious" in the broken, in the failures, in the liar.

...David might not have transformed Saul's life out of his action...
...and many times, we won't either.

but there's something about seeing the "precious", the "anointed" that transforms us instead.
it's being able to find the diamond in the dirt, the beauty in the mess, the truth among the lies that will bring us a sense of freedom. and perhaps, a sense of purpose.
it's being able to see someone guilty of mistake and say, "you're golden".
it's being able to see a liar, and say, "there is truth in you."
it's being able to see a Saul, and say, "you're anointed."

i am learning this process - the process of seeing people through God's eyes.
it's bringing my heart to a whole new lightness, and through seeing others' worth, it's speaking worth into my own life.

...and the only way David was able to let Saul go - twice - was with Love. the ultimate Love.
the Love that never fails. the Love that conquers all fears. the Love that compares to no other.

...and the only way we'll see the beauty in the ashes is with Love.
such Love, there is no greater...

all there is left to ask now: can i have more of Your love, God?

you're golden.
goodnight.

-melody.