Thursday, April 15, 2010

You are God. and i am still.

i think no other place right now can be as helpful as here.
and here is where i will be, spilling my heart. out onto a table like a full glass spilling.
...yeah.

i'm going to make this very honest, which might make me very vulnerable and fragile; but i'm willing to take the risk.

these past few days/weeks have been kind of hard.
i mean, i'm able to laugh, smile, and make you believe that i've got it all together.

when inside, my heart is just crying.
and truthfully, there are bits of me that don't know why.

i'm mostly indoors, at home, waiting on replies from job openings. or i'm designing.
...or i find myself pondering over everything and anything...
leaving my brain to be in such a mess sometimes.

i want to ask God why i'm being left here doing very little - when he clearly knows that my heart is desiring so many things.
i want to be transfered to heaven at this very moment so that i can physically and tangibly feel his arms around me.
and for that one moment out of time, i would be abe to feel like everything will be 100% okay.

i find myself sitting on my couch sometimes and just feeling so awefully alone.

...even though, i know that i am not...

i just held OCAD's letter of acceptance in my hands about an hour ago and i haven't felt so scared reading something in a very long time. any amount of money just makes me feel incredibly trapped.

argh.

i want to trust God, and i do! i trust him. i trust him. i trust him. with all of this.
but my heart is screaming "WHEN". just when is this all going to come through!?
...it's so hard to live day by day, being pressured to live like the world and in my parents' eyes, to be seen like someone who is doing very little and trying very little...
it's so tough.

...but i'm holding on to Him...as hard and terrifying as it can be, i am...

and the midst of it all, i will say "You are good. You are good."

sometimes, it's just hard even feeling His presence...

i just want to feel joy...unconditional joy...

...i want to end this, saying that God - your promises are all true. if one is true, then all are true.
so i will take you at your word when you say you are provider.
i will take you at your word when you call yourself the restorer.

i look you in the eyes...and i am still. i am quiet. and i am knowing You. are God.

i love you all, and i appreciate any kind of prayer from you and any word of encouragement.
you are all so wonderful.

- melody.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

fears and tears.


i am listening to probably one of the most beautiful songs of all time, "tornado" by jonsi.
it might be what triggered the desire to write this.

music or not, i need to write.
it's one of those things that make me feel alive. that make me feel like i have a purpose.
for some reason, coming back to this blog and updating it, is a reminder to me that i am meant for great things. it's a strange phenomenon.

i would just like to take a moment to thank you all so incredibly much for reading.
for giving me a reason to write. (so really, you are one of the reasons i feel alive.)
i would never have imagined that my writing could touch hearts, and it does.
i am blown away. and for that, i thank you. i thank you for amazing me.

the reason for this post is just plain and simple (not so much though - ha!):
i've been thinking. about how i depend on certain hopes. or dreams. or promises.
a lot.
i'm someone who gets very easily excited over an idea, and when it involves other people i get more excited.
and i hold on very tightly to the hope that whatever was thought through will happen.
it can be as simple as planning a hangout. and when it doesn't happen, somewhere inside of me expected it. like it had already happened before, and in the back of my mind i was always fearing it. and then, it breaks me.

welcome to my mind, really.

but i mean, i'm sure you can relate. it's a cycle that i am slowly working through to break, but it's something i have discovered in myself. i get attached to dreams and ideas very easily.
and i'm afraid to think of anything else but their successes. in a sense, i am quite afraid of failure.

i've come to learn a lot on what i depend on. when God kind of removes what your heart leans on and you notice it's not there anymore and you kind of feel uncomfortable because it's no longer there, that's really when you learn what/who you depend on.
i'm not so much dependent on money itself. more like its sources. i found myself in a comfortable place with a job and an income. and then i found myself without one.
it's been a couple months.
and i'm finding myself needing to let go of the comfort of 'money security'.

funny how my job was only 3 months, and i already got comfortable.

so these past months have been all about how to lay my head on God's shoulders and not Mr. Job.

i've also come to realize how much i depend on certain hopes. and these have been a little trickier. harder to deal with. i suppose...

...i suppose...

you know when you have a certain hope or idea in your mind for a very long time, and you begin to get used to this idea and begin to revolve life around it a lot but don't realize you are.
when that hope begins to be so real, but only because it's so often in your mind. and then things happen and that hope or idea just seems to have walked away from you and it's too far away now for you to even run after. you can't seem to see it in the face anymore. and when you try to think back at how wonderful that idea was, it turns into a bitter experience.

ha - this might only make sense to me. but i just felt like sharing a piece of my heart to you tonight...you might relate.

it's just...hard when you realize that you've been holding on to those dreams you've had or hopes or ideas more than the actual Promiser or Creator or Dreamer himself.
it can hurt to let go. it did for me.

it still kind of does.

...but there's a certain beauty in not knowing how things will happen. and just jumping out of the nest and knowing that whatever happens, whether you fall or fly the first time, you'll be okay.
because you are not alone. because my God promises to always, always be there.
because my God promises a life to the fullest. and that, i will believe 100%.
because not once has my God failed me. even though my heart may fear, i won't act on that worry. i will trust. i will jump for joy because He is good. He is the Provider. the Promiser. the Dreamer.

...and just because i let go, does not mean that the dream will not happen...
i'm just telling God that i trust him more than any dream or idea. that he is the reason.

in this experience of just "being without doing", i am learning so much on what it means to lean on God. "trusting God" is becoming more real to me, and for that, i am so grateful.
it becomes very refreshing, actually, to have only him to depend on.
it makes life exciting and adventurous. not knowing what comes next.

and where my heart is concerned, were working through these cycles.
one day it will all make sense...

goodnight.

-melody.