Sunday, August 31, 2008

I guess i'm just human.

Thank you God for my being alive. thank you for the sunshine. thank you for your protection. thank you for the stars. thank you for your comfort. thank you for your peace. thank you for always providing. thank you for friends. thank you for family. thank you for your open arms. thank you for your visions. thank you for laughter. thank you for vacations. thank you for miracles. thank you, thank you, and thank you.

well, i guess i can now say, "Hello, Mississauga!" or rather, hello Canada! altogether.

i spent a week in Williamsburg, Virginia and in case you don't know where that is, it's in down there in the good ol' states.
the sun was good to us for a bit, then the next few days of the week were grey and rainy.
but thank God for vacations. they really pay off.
families are interesting. they can be annoying, a pain, and completely different than you at times, but all in all, they are there for a reason. it's like your family is there to shape you. to help you learn more about yourself. you know what you can't stand, you know what makes you smile, what makes you cry, you learn to grow patience, kindness, and love through them. they are helpful.
i can say, that for myself, i am learning to love my family more and more each day.
sometimes, the closest ones to you are the hardest to love. but through family, new discoveries about you are made daily. it's crazy stuff, but i discover that it is very true.
so, take time, and learn to appreciate family; allow them to teach you about love. i have faith in family.

back from virginia, somehow, though, i feel off track. like, getting away from life's routines is like placing your life on 'pause' and coming back is like pressing 'play' again.

and now everything is just crashing into my face again.
as jimmy eat world sings, "collision is such an ugly sound."

hm, well said.

perhaps we're afraid of the sound, rather than the collision itself.
i mean, a situation alone is just a situation. it isn't alive, it doesn't affect, hurt, move, change, rejoice. it's dead. until it happens. happens to us. and it is the sound it makes, the affects it brings or the emotions we feel that frightens us.

everything on my mind tonight frightens me.
after hours on the road, holding onto God's protection for my life and the lives of my family, i slowly started to feel the routine thoughts i had back home come back to me. i travel with my thoughts. they are what i take everywhere. i can't escape my mind (and often times i wish i could) nor can i escape myself.
but the concept of vacation, almost allows me to leave my thoughts behind and take a break.
and take a break, i did indeed.

here i am, once again. blank canvas. words. change. and a new day to come.
august 31, 2008.
last day of august; for some (or many), last day of summer.
it's a scary thought i guess. just this idea that each day is only 24 hours. they cannot be taken back, and they cannot be re-created.

but as tonight flows away, and as thoughts of the campaign, the future, first week of school, love, God, and so much more keep jumping at me, i know that somehow, i'll find peace.
somehow, each of these situations will one day come alive and it will be up to me to make them happen the way they should be. it will be up to me to give these situations up to God and let him take care of it all. and all i'll have to do is trust him.
i've already given them up. now, all i have to do is trust him.
trust. . .
i can do it. i know i can.
and so can you.

whether you are going back to school, confused about the future, lost in a relationship, waiting for a miracle, all i can say is trust him. find a place in your heart to trust him. and he will take your heart, all of it, and take care of you.
i know it.
because he's doing it with me.
and it's a beautiful journey.
it truly is.

so, another day tomorrow of fun and games, and then it's back to desks and binders.
but this year will be different. a good different.
change will happen. all around. fraser will be changed, i do know so.
and redemption will happen. i believe it.
so, why do i fear? why do i worry?

i guess i'm just human.

the stars are out, my sign that You are here.
it's getting late, i hope that you enjoy these blogs as much as i enjoy writing them.
and don't forget, your story matters, too.
your fears and dreams make you who you are.
i'd like to share them. so send them away!
you're not alone.


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

See you all in a week!

It's been a week. but here i am! i haven't forgotten about you,
i've just been here and there observing the world from afar.

i'm going to be honest, my mind these days seems to be blanker than ever.
i've been sleeping way too much, and doing way too little.

there is one thing though that i do want to say (or maybe a few things...) :
first off, let me congratulate emily young for her successful sixteen (16) years of life.
here's to sixteen and beyond more. je t'aime, emilie!

secondly, amy is a fighter; she's singing her song of victory.
she knows what loneliness means. she lives it every day.
but hold tight, love, God's with you and always will be. never fear, he's carrying you.

and thirdly, worrying is easy. but God reminds me every day (no matter how many times i need him to) that he is with me, and i have NOTHING to worry about. nothing. nothing. nothing to worry about. nothing.
absolutely nothing.

...yet, again, You remind me.

so, the video-making is in process. thank you, again, to everyone who is taking part in this video and in this movement! it's means so much, and you are making a difference one step at a time. believe it, it's happening.

the campaign will explode! we are praying it will touch lives, change lives, and be the beginning of a youth movement.
God, take it all.

alright, well i am off to go pack for the week vacation in virginia under the sun. i am looking forward to see a new scenery for a bit and enjoy the ocean. but i will miss you all! i love you all, really. really.
i will all see you guys when i get back, friday, august 29th.
much love,
- melody.

ps. i heard this line in 'can you feel it' by David Crowder* Band, and liked it a lot, actually.
"Life makes it so hard sometimes to know what's real."
ponder on that for a bit, and comment back your thoughts. :)

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I have to know who I am, before letting myself go.

Beautiful, You are.
the past few days have been the most contradicting ones i've lived. i've actually been in war, if you'd like. a very important one. it's the battle between my own self, the devil, and God.
intense, don't you think?
oh, it is.
my mind has never been in such deep action before, or at least i don't think.
it's like, i'm being attacked in my new self, allowing my old self to come back again, but fighting back with the one and only strength i can find: Jesus.

"Melody, go back to uselessness, will you? Life has no purpose, stop living a real life. Why not be fake? It's all worth it, really. It's easier. Your enemy, the Devil."

so, why again did i let these thoughts get to me? they seemed pretty convincing when i heard them, but behind the scheme is a schemer, a cheater, and a liar.
actually, the devil does not care one bit what i become, as long as i fall to the lowest of all levels and stay there. hm, doesn't sound like a plan to me.
then i heard a second voice, and this one seemed to come from a better place, perhaps the place i've been running away from accidentally.

"Melody, you are my daughter and I know your pain, I can feel it. Every tear you shed, I carry them each in a cup. I watch you fall down on your knees every night, I hear your cries, and I am here. I am here and always have been. In me, you will find comfort. It's going to be okay, trust me. I am here for you, always. You are my daughter, and I am King of all kings. Don't fear, hush my baby. I am your strength, and I am bigger than all your worries and troubles, so keep me close to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. Don't fear, my child, for I hold you in my arms. I love you so much, that I cry with you. I will give everything for you, and have given you everything. I love you. Love, your Daddy."

...this is where the contradiction comes in. in the midst of all this fighting and confusion, all of this pain and stress, i found some kind of comfort and beauty. it was like, everything stood still for a few seconds and those seconds felt like an entire eternity.
i guess that's what love is.
seeing beauty in the wreckage. finding hope in the dark places of our hearts. aiming for healing in the midst of brokenness.

i guess this is who God is.

i long to see the Real Him.
but i'm too caught up in myself. in my worries, in my fears, in my battles. i forgot that in His presence, i am nothing but a speck. and so are my troubles. that in his presence, i am everything to him, all because i have decided to let myself go. i have to.
and i had forgotten about that. letting myself go...saying goodbye to "me". that's kinda hard, to be honest. i mean, i live with myself 24/7. i've grown to be my own best friend and enemy at the same time. to give myself up is a hard task. but i'm willing to do it all, for God himself.
he deserves it, i mean i owe it all to him, for saving my very own life. for saving me. that same "me" who's not able to give herself up.
well, tonight i say that i give myself Him.
to you.
to compassion and true love. to serving those in need. to make it all about You, and nothing about me.
the new me, is all about You. and this week, i'v been given the chance to explore that person a little more. (it's always good to learn more about yourself, i mean really each day is a new chance to discover something new about one's self. seeing the changes? that is another story...)
i'm afraid.
i'm broken.
i'm selfish.
i'm not-so-compassionate.
i'm weak.
i'm in need of you...
i'm small.
i'm easily annoyed.
i'm proud.
i'm lost.

and that is who God created. so that some day (like tonight), i will find the need to find Him. i will find the simply need him. and i am.
i'm finding him in the pain, in the brokenness, in the battles.
he's there. waiting for me.
here i am.
here i am, Dad.
take me home. where i want to be.
...and it is in your arms.

and that is why, You are beautiful.
in the midst of the pain, the confusion, in the middle of the mess and the battle, there you are.
Beautiful, You are. (my God)
"Be still, and know that I am God."

- melody :)

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Let's be real.

I'm back from kingdom bound! i'm sure you are glad i am back. (ha-ha-ha)
for the second time, this experience of worshipping a graceful and loving God with thousands of people was just amazing. it really makes you feel like you are not the only crazy, different person on this earth. there are many many others who are trying to shine a light in this dark world, so it is a true comfort to realize this once more.

the bands were wonderful, and music is truly beautiful. it really takes you into a different place; a place of peace and of dreams and of wonders and of higher hope and of everything else this world cannot offer. Thank you Father for music! i mean, honestly, God speaks through music, words, and sound. and it is so worth the listen.
i had the chance to open myself up to new artists (turn off the stars, newworldson, this beautiful republic) and embrace the ones i did know (leeland, newsboys, hawk nelson, delirious? are just a few to name).

worship is so important, i find. Jesus says the most important command we should keep is to love God with all our heart, mind, and soul, and worship is just one powerful way to love him.
it's even deeper than love. it's about saying thank you for everything He's doing, everything He's done, for the breath of life, for love, for hope, and for being able to call Him "friend". it's about the freedom we have to worship in whatever way we feel; cry, sing as loud as we want, dance, raise our hands to the sky, sit, listen, and meditate, or just close our eyes and allow God to move through the music.

it's that one chance out of our busy lives to thank Him, to show how much we are appreciative of Him, how much He means to us, and how much we need Him; it's about how much we love Him.
and it is a time to be real. a time to give God our broken hearts and surrender everything to Him. it is your chance to throw everything away and start fresh. a chance to stand in front of God and say, "i'm broken. i am lost. and i need you. please, save me!"

it is your time to be honest. and allow God to see through you. let Him in.
He will heal you.
he will.

well, 4 days of great music, community, and most of all, a filling of Godness pretty much sums up the festival. it will be seeing me next year for the third time! and perhaps you as well ;)
oh, and yesterday, we started shooting the first few people for the intro video and i thank you all for taking part in it! more will be filmed soon, and then the editing will begin!

alright, well i must go for now, i have youth group tonight, and i pray that it will be a good one!
God, move through.
He surely loves you.

- melody :)

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Hey, baptize my mind!

Oh, God. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhalalala, what a week.
i don't really know what to think of it, actually.

most of what moved it and made it interesting were my thoughts and the thoughts of others.
i spent a lot of time thinking, and a lot of time running to God. yeah, running.

i can say this week, my mind has been going in all different directions. it's been a race, trying to run to the finish line first, but finding myself only to stumble and fall, alone.

we try so many times to be first. we don't want to fail and lose. it's society.
we aim for perfection, but really...what is perfect? last time i checked, only God is purely perfect.

there's nothing wrong in aiming to be like God, or more of the human form of God, who happens to be a man named Jesus. but there is something wrong in our society today: we aim, pretending we succeed. we pretend sometimes that "Why, yes. I am perfect, thanks for asking".
i get caught up with this fake feeling sometimes. i don't want to fail. i don't want to be dissapointed in myself. i'm afraid of disappointment. failure makes me feel worthless.
so, i pretend i got it all under control. i pretend that i am an example of perfection.
but i don't try to prove that to God, no no, i pretend i am society's example. and that's where i am wrong.

i couldn't be any more wrong!

we don't live for society. i don't live for society. i don't need to prove myself to society, or anyone for that matter. i want to live for God, completely.
completely...meaning i don't live for anyone else.

Dear Society, World, People, Whoever,
sorry, but i don't care if i please you or not, i know that as long as i please God, i have nothing to worry about.

so, why aim for perfection? when in God's eyes, you are perfect just the way you are. he made you that way, because he wants you that way. because the way you are, it's beautiful.
your stains and imperfections are washed away. and you are no longer guilty.
ask for forgiveness, and you will be clean again.
ha! funny how i write "you" when really i should be writing "i".
i need to be reminded that i am God's and he is mine. the world doesn't define me.
and yes, i let God down too many times. i fail him. i'm way too far from perfect.
but in his eyes, i'm just who i need to be. His.

so what if i fail? we will fail all the time. we will fall. we will make mistakes. we will feel guilty
and beat ourselves down. being broken is the only way to be put back together. it's the only way to heal.

i had to remind myself last night, that i am loved.
no matter what you do, no matter how many times you fail, fall, mess up, God will still love you 100 percent. his love never changes. no matter what you do.
and don't be afraid to make mistakes (you will make plenty of those), because it's the only way that you can change your ways. show your scars, your wounds, and your failures, so that you can show the world how God heals them, repairs them, makes you a brand new person.

isn't that just so amazing? God is the only who will pick you back up and tell you that you are still perfect in his eyes.
i love Him, so much.
he loves me, even if i fail. even if i let him down. even if i mess up miserably. even if sometimes i'm ashamed to say his name. even if i forget to include him in my life. even if i dissapoint him.
even if, he loves me, he loves me, and he loves me.
even if, he loves you still, he loves you still, he loves you still...

there is so much to be written still, but i think this is a good place to write that...God...i'm sorry.
i'm sorry i dissapoint you, but please make me strong, help me get up again, and please please please help me to love the people around me like you love them.

"Two things you told me: You are strong, and You love me." - Jon Foreman "Your love is strong"

Kingdom Bound 2008, sunday through thursday. so i'll be back with some new ideas and thoughts to write about : )
friday and saturday, august 8-9: the shooting of the Intro Video, "revival week: come alive."
and one last thing, note to self: i miss you, a lot.

- melody :)